The solution for Harm OCD and unwanted thoughts and compulsions in general.
Treatment and the solution for Harm OCD that works
It is not just for Harm OCD that the solution works for but it also works for typical OCD and just intrusive or unwanted thoughts, compulsions and urges in general.
My Story By Adam Lee
I have always been bipolar, I was diagnosed as a teenager and anxiety went along with that. I thought that was enough to be plagued with in one’s life. Life is hard enough with that. I never imagined something else would get added to it. I had had a religious awakening and was able to go off my bipolar meds for about 9 years. And while I struggled with some symptoms I did pretty well in that time. Which was amazing because I was severely bipolar. Then came my divorce which was hard to take. The whole situation was messed up with adultery, a scandal, and even the loss of a career. The divorce hurt, it hurt bad. And while it truly wasn’t my fault I was experiencing all the negative fallout from it.
It was no secret that I was under a lot of emotional stress. So not long after the divorce I started to see some bipolar symptoms creep back in. Then I went through the breakup of my new girlfriend. This hurt also, and so I went out and bought a sports car and got a large tattoo. It seemed like the thing to do at the time but was not well thought out. About a week after my tattoo. One day after taking a shower I suddenly wanted to bite off my tongue. The urge and compulsion got so bad that I had to tie a rag around my mouth so I wouldn’t bite down. I was scared. I needed my tongue and valued talking to people. I suppose I valued tasting also. Then whenever I got around people I would have urges and thoughts to harm them. This was scary because I didn’t know if I could fight it or not. It was especially disturbing because some of these people were my loved ones.
I would just be going about my day and come across someone and bam a thought would pop into my head to snap their neck or pick up the pencil next to them and stab it through their temple and kill them. And it wasn’t just a thought but an urge as well. A very strong urge. I didn’t know what was going on. It was everyone I came across. Even strangers. So I did the only thing I could which was to seek help. I went to my therapist as I no longer had a psychiatrist because I went off my bipolar meds for 9 years.
My therapist didn’t know what to call it but knew something wasn’t right. We decided I should check myself into the psych unit. So that is what I did I went to the mental health ward and became an inpatient. They pumped me up full of antipsychotics and I was in there for a couple of weeks. Almost right away the wanting to bite my tongue off went away but the intrusive thoughts and urges to harm people didn’t fully subside. It was still there lingering ready to pounce.
They ended up letting me out of the psych unit and I went back home. I was set up with a psychiatrist and was put on meds to take on a regular basis. And boy did I ever want to take my meds. It is absolutely terrifying trying to fight yourself from biting your own tongue off non-stop even while you lay down to go to bed at night. So if the meds helped with that I was all for them.
Over the next few months, my bipolar came back, and boy did it ever as well as PTSD and terrible anxiety. The thoughts of harming others did not go away and sometimes the thoughts were about harming myself just out of the blue in very devious ways. My mind was under attack and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to fight it.
I could not figure out how this all came about. Was this all from the trauma of my divorce? Was it stress, was it from bad ink in the tattoo I just got? Or was it demons? I just didn’t have the answers and at this point, I didn’t even have a name for it. But I continued on and took my meds and tried to live a life worth living. The bipolar was getting under control and the tongue bite thing was gone but everywhere I went the thoughts and urges to harm were still strong. It got to the point where I sent my kids to live with their mom because I didn’t know if I would hurt them or not. I sought help, had regular sessions with my therapist, and even went to a church to inquire about getting an exorcism.
My therapist still didn’t have a name for it but would teach me some unique mindfulness techniques. At first, I thought he was an idiot and that it wouldn’t work but I had no other options so I put them into practice. Of course, it didn’t work, or at least not at first but I kept at them. This went on for a couple of years then I came across a psychiatrist who had a name for it and assured me it wasn’t demons. He also assured me that I wasn’t a murderer and that I could fight it. He called it Harm OCD. And there were other people who had it. I was relieved and felt hope. Hope that this thing was not going to be the end of me. Hope that I wouldn’t hurt anyone, and hope that I wasn’t a bad person.
Then a few years after I started doing the mindfulness techniques which I will share the Harm OCD finally went away. The meds didn’t fix it and I never did get that exorcism so I can only attribute my recovery to the mindfulness stuff. Life got better and I eventually got my kids back.
The Solution
I found something that worked for me and you can too. Harm OCD doesn’t have to ruin your life. There is a rescue.
So many people think that this is demons or that if you have it you are a serial killer. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a brain malfunction caused by who knows what but some very good Christian people have it. People who don’t have demons and people who are the opposite of a serial killer.
The first thing my therapist taught me was to not fear the intrusive thought or urge. He said to not even fight it. But to acknowledge it. You see if you fear it or fight it it will fight back and get stronger. You can’t win fearing and fighting.
When the thought and urge come up just acknowledge it and say isn’t that interesting. When you do that have no judgment about the thought. Understand that thoughts come from no place and are not you. Then just try and shift your thought to something else and move on. You will have to repeat this over and over throughout your day. You will get worn out but it is worth it. And you may have to do this technique for a number of years but it does work. It is all about reconditioning the mind. The whole thing may sound dumb and pointless but I assure you it is your best defense and hope for Harm OCD.
May you find hope and rescue in it like I did.
The solution and treatment for OCD thoughts can be broken down into steps.
It is not just for Harm OCD that the solution works for but it also works for typical OCD and just intrusive or unwanted thoughts, compulsions and urges in general.
- Realize: Realize that thoughts and compulsions can come out of nowhere and aren’t you, they don’t represent who you are. You are not your thoughts or compulsions.
- Don’t Judge it: When the unwanted thought or compulsion comes, don’t judge it, don’t have any opinion about it and don’t fear it.
- Acknowledge: Acknowledge the thought or compulsion and say to yourself “oh isn’t that interesting.”
- Change focus: Then change your focus to some other thing, it could be something around you or some other thought you can think of but change your focus and think about something different.
- Repeat: You may have to do this over and over as the unwanted thought or compulsion may keep coming right back, but just repeat these steps. Know that you may have to do this for a number of years but it does work and eventually the thoughts and compulsions will go away. You will retrain your mind.